When i think about the practice, and my practice in particular, the question of enlightenment comes to mind. One fruit of practice is enlightenment, yet i am in no hurry to get there. If i was, the path of renunciation would make much more sense than the life of a householder. One explanation that comes to mind is that i wish to avoid navel-gazing. When one practices for enlightenment the question of whether enlightenment, or perfection, is possible. This is an issues i don't want to spend much time pondering. I leave open that i don't know the answer, that at this stage of practice i might not even recognize perfection if i was looking at it, so who am i to address the issue whether or not perfect enlightenment is possible? Instead, i wish to get to know the world around me, the world of Samsara.
The first noble truth, the truth of dukkha, (the stress, pain or suffering of existance), is to be comprehended. I have heard it said that this means dukkha must be experienced. We don't need to go out in search of dukkha, we don't need to create more suffering to experience it, we just need to be open to what is there. I find the life of a householder makes it possible for me to practice in this way. So i stay engaged in the world, with my family, friends, work, home, possessions, and pets. And i form attachments, the way i got attached to Verna, a dog i recently lost. And i enjoy my attachments. I enjoyed my time with Verna, taking her to classes, teaching her tricks, spoiling her with treats, watching her play with Zeke, snuggling on the sofa, playing Superdog (tossing her onto the bed), and spending time with her.
If i hadn't adopted Verna, i wouldn't have worried about losing her. If i didn't enjoy my time with her, i wouldn't have gotten attached, and wouldn't have experienced sorrow when i lost her. But would that have made me more enlightened? That question makes me think of a talk i listened to by Ajahn Chah, where he was talking about some of the wrong views he held. He said that, early in his practice he thought he needed complete silence to attain enlightenment, so he would put cotton in his ears so he would hear anything. But if it was true that to cut off the sense of sound would lead to enlightenment, then deaf people were enlightened by nature of their being deaf, so it wasn't by cutting of the sense of sound that one becomes enlightened.
Renunciation is tricky. In a Q&A section with Ajahn Chah he says that the path of ordainment is the fastest path to enlightenment because it enables one to devote all of their energy to the practice. He says it is possible for a householder to attain enlightenment, though it is harder and takes longer because their energy is scattered, and beyond that he doesn't say much else. Sometimes we try to renounce, to let go, in order to avoid experiencing dukkha. We think, like Ajahn Chah did with sound, that enlightenment means not to experience dukkha, and so by renouncement we stop experiencing dukkha and become enlightened. But Thich Nhat Hahn says this is not so (in a talk given on 11-26-2006, but the link i used is now broken). He compares this kind of practice to a rabbit hiding in its hole to feel safe, and says if one who is ordained practices in this way the happiness found won't last long. It will last maybe three or four years, then one will become tired of it and want something else, they may be temped to leave the Sangha and the practice entirely. Instead we need to practice more deeply, in a way that we can experience, and transform, the dukkha in our lives.
In my life as a householder my energy is scattered. I need to think about things like where am i going to live, what will i wear, and what will i eat. I spend time looking at houses and apartments and shopping for food and clothes, and in the process i am exposed to sights and sounds that create desire for more possessions. As i acquire things i get bills, and need to find a way to pay for the things i want, so i need to find a job and spend time at work. Throughout all of this i am surrounded by people, some of whom are agreeable, some of whom are not. Sometimes i have to do things, (like cook), when i would rather do something else (like take a nap). These experiences stir up feelings with have the potential to push me around. Somebody says something unkind and i am tempted to brood over it, getting angrier the more i think about it. Having to spend my time working and shopping and cooking and cleaning, and then choosing to spend time with my husband or dogs or just playing or relaxing seems to cut into time for practice. And living with someone leads to compromises. On my own i choose not to watch TV. On his own my husband can (and does) spend hours watching Netflix. When we're together, do i insist he be like me, and give up the Netflix? Do i let him watch all he wants, and spend my time doing other things, apart from him? Do i watch shows with him, so we have some time together? (I do a bit of all three, suggesting we not turn on the TV until later in the day, leaving him be if he wants to watch more than i do, and watching a movie or 2 with him after dinner.) When it comes to formal practice, the time i spend seems short. Most days i spend just 15 minutes sitting, some days i spend only 5 minutes, and some days i don't sit at all. I listen to Dharma talks, sometimes one or two a day, but i don't listen to talks every day at this point. Sometimes i listen to the Suttas, some days i read, but again, my practice is scattered, and consistency isn't my strong suit. So how does the practice benefit me?
Many years ago i had a dog, Zeus. I got him for my birthday, maybe when i was 8 or 9 or maybe even 10. I spent a lot of time with him. I taught him to climb a ladder, so he could play on the playground with me and climb up to the top bunk (I had bunkbeds, and i slept on the top bunk). I'd get him to climb a ladder and sit on the roof of the house. When i went to college i left him with my parents, but I'd bring him to visit for weeks and as soon as i graduated i found a pet-friendly apartment and took him back. Six months after i graduated Zeus got very sick. He had kidney problems, and his kidneys were failing. For what felt like weeks i was a wreck. He could barely stand up, and I'd go to work, and worry that I'd come home to a dead dog. I didn't know what to do. Finally, i got to a point where i realized there was nothing i could do, and that he was just lingering, and my parents came with me when we took him to the vet to let him go. I don't remember how long he lingered for, and sometimes i am left wondering if i waited too long to let him go.
From the outside, my experience with Verna may look similar. After her surgery, when we began to realize how serious her condition was, there was a lot of sadness. I couldn't talk much about her. We tried what we could to help her get better, even though we knew she didn't have much time. We waited until she couldn't walk and had been sick constantly for a whole day before we finally let her go. But there were differences. I was sad, but i wasn't a wreck. I couldn't talk about her condition, but i could function at work. I took her out, while she could enjoy it still, and said she was in the "make a wish foundation for doggies." (Sometimes i make up elaborate stories in my head. I try to keep a sense of humor about this trait.) I sat vigil with her, listening to talks or reading while in the same room with her and just letting her rest. The sadness was different. There wasn't the same sense of hopelessness or being lost. There was a confidence. I knew we wouldn't be ready to let her go until she couldn't walk, and that when the time was right we would know it. And even on that last day, she still responded to our concern. I am not left wondering if we let her go too soon; she was clearly in pain, even though her eyes would brighten when we talked to her. I am not left wondering if we waited too long, for the same reason i know we didn't let her go too soon, because even though she was in pain, she still loved us and still brightened when we talked to her.
That same confidence has crept into other areas of my life. I can be a chronic worrier. I sometimes joke that if i have nothing to worry about, i worry that i am not worrying enough. There are still aspects of my life i worry about, often regarding social situations or particulars activities. But on the whole i don't worry so much about the path my life is following. I might worry more that this is simply arrogance, but there are other benefits i feel. In particular, i don't feel so pushed around by my emotions, especially anger. I find i am less likely to say things i regret later. This aspect of the practice reminds of the acrobat simile, which is one of my original inspirations to practice. I find that practicing mindfulness in general, as well as mindfulness of the breath, helps me to calm down and slow down, so that i have time to think about the implications of my actions. Sometimes i still choose the wrong action, but having the chance to pause first means that i don't feel pushed into it, and can watch the effect and feel the effect more fully than when i would act without pausing first. Compared to enlightenment the fruits of greater confidence and not feeling pushed by emotions that i have gained from my practice may seem small. Still, it is enough to keep me inspired to continue practicing.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Mixed Bag
A lot has happened since my last posting. When I left off it was still summer, and sometime after my last posting, around July, Barrett and i went camping. Since that trip i have thought about writing an post called "Metta and Fishing Don't Mix," but i haven't been able to get my thoughts in writing. It's around then that i stalled on posting anything to my blog.
In the meantime i have been continuing my practice. I still only practice sitting 15 minutes a day, and only most days a week. My main goal remains to make meditation a habit, and to start again when i slip. I also listen to Dharma talks on a regular basis, have added some new talks to my collection, and have been listening to some old talks by Thich Nhat Hanh i hadn't listened to in a while.
My life as a householder is full. As a householder i spend much time on relationships, domestic stuff, and outside work. I can't say i haven't had time to write, but there is much that has happened on the home front that i feel is worth writing about. Work this summer has been sporadic, and I've had weeks of time off at a time, followed by days or weeks out of town. Currently i am away from home working in the field. This is probably my last long travel session for the near future. Today we are rained out, and since i am in a hotel room and have fewer distractions than i do at home, i decided it was time to organize my thoughts. I'll start with some updates from the home front.
Happenings At Home
Love and Loss My most recent big happening was on the sad side. September 19 Verna, one of my beloved dogs (Zeke is my other), passed away. Early in September she began rejecting some foods, odd behavior since she is a real chow-hound. After a visit to the vet, and some surgery, she was diagnosed with lymphoma, a very aggressive form of cancer that is treatable (with good success rates) in dogs, but can only be treated through chemotherapy. Chemotherapy was not an option for my husband and i (i also suspect that by the time Verna was diagnosed the cancer was in an advanced stage), and over the next few weeks we watched the disease progress. By Friday, September 18 Verna was sick all the time, not eating but still throwing up, and by Saturday she was unable to stand up on her own. We realized it was time to let her go. That evening we buried her near in a tree in a field we used to take her to run. Her death came as a surprise, and offered many opportunities to reflect on love and clinging, suffering and compassion, death, rebirth and the deathless, and how short and precious life is.
And Baby Makes Three In the meantime, we continue to prepare to welcome a new life in January. One of my goals is a natural childbirth (drug-free, though in a hospital). I don't want it to be purely an exercise in endurance, gritting my teeth and relying on willpower. I think of child birth like running a marathon, hiking a steep trail to enjoy the wonders of nature, or the thrill rides at an amusement park, with the adrenaline rush and butterflies that go with them. In other words, i think of it as something that contains moments not traditionally thought of as pleasant, but yet something that many people find enjoyable. I also think of birth as something that requires a combination of preparation and relaxation. To that end i am experimenting with self-hypnosis, through self-study course called Hypnobabies. The course involves a workbook (I read the whole thing even though you are supposed to read a chapter a week for 5 weeks), and listening to a series of CDs to practice the techniques. I'm not quite following the program as directed, but i try to listen to at least one of the two daily tracks 5 or 6 days a week. Lately I've been listening early in the morning, while i am still drifting in and out of sleep. Some of the stuff is kind of corny, but I've heard good things about the program, and so i don't worry so much about the corny stuff and just focus on what does work for me. Hard to say how the program works, but so far there's a lot i do like, even if i think some of it is corny.
Its Never too Late to Learn Something New I've also decided it's time to learn Spanish. This has been on my to-do list for a long time. I'm not pushing myself too hard, especially since I'm really bad with language. I sometimes joke that i have enough trouble with English. Anyway, i found some Spanish children's stories, with translations, that i listen to now and then. Some i have in English and Spanish, some just in Spanish. I am finding that i am getting better at picking out familiar words, and figuring out the meaning for some of the words, although this is happening quite slowly. I'm not really sure how much i am learning, but I'm having fun, so it's an easy habit to keep up.
Updates on the Practice
Metta and Fishing I used to practice Metta meditation a lot, but since that camping trip my Metta practice tapered off. While we were camping we went fishing. I'm an omnivore. I eat an occasional vegetarian meal, but i also enjoy eating meat and fish. As a person who eats meat, the do not kill precept is something i have struggled with before. I don't entirely understand why it is there, especially since Buddhism is so accepting of death as a part of life. And yet, i have a hard time killing. I can kill mosquitoes and other biting and stinging bugs pretty easily, but i also save pillbugs, worms, and millipedes on the bike trail Zeke and i walk. So on this camping trip Barrett and i go fishing, and i feel bad just putting the worm on the hook. Then i catch a fish, and feel guilty for reeling him in. I would try to kill the fish myself, but the last time i did i couldn't hit the fish hard enough, and felt bad for torturing the fish, and i can barely watch as my jusband kills and guts the fish. But i do enjoy cooking and eating the fish. The whole episode got me thinking about life and death, and how we kill every time we eat, even if we're eating plants, so why is vegetarianism encouraged. But i also see that eating vegetarian is better for the environment, and compassion for all living beings is natural, too. There were too many thoughts for me to process, and i never could sort them all out, so i decided to leave the issues be and focus on listening to more of the teachings, until i reach a point where i am comfortable coming back to the issues.
Ajahn Chah While i have a good collection of Dharma talks on my mp3 player, and i like listening to talks repeatedly, i felt it was time to expand my collection. So i spent some time searching for new talks, and listening to talks to find ones i liked enough to listen to again and again. One thing i wanted to add was some talks by non-western teachers. It was a challenge to find good talks by non-western teachers, but i found a nice set of talks given by Ajahn Chah. These talks are translated, first Ajahn Chah speaks, then the translator interprets for us. I like this format, but i like listening to foreign languages in general. I've only listened to some of these, and only a few times, so i don't have much to say about them, but i did like what i heard enough to add the collection to my library.
Sutta Reading I also wanted to look for teachings directly from the Buddha, not just commentary, and there is a small collection of sutta readings on the web. I added a few of these to my library. I like listening to the suttas better than reading them, and that may make sense since these were originally passed down orally. These are also fairly short, so its easy to make time to listen to them. Among my favorites are, The Heartwood of the Spiritual Life, The Simsapa Grove, At Sedaka (The Acrobat), and The Adze Handle.
The Satipatthana Sutta Series And I also added some new (to me at least) talks from a teacher i already listen to, Joseph Goldstein. These are all part of a series on the Satipatthana Sutta. Actually, i mentioned this series in my last post. Anyway, the series is rather long since it was recorded over a time span of years, but since the Satipatthana Sutta is a classic, and since it is still a little hard for me to grasp, I decided to go ahead and give these talks a try. I haven't listened to them all, but i do like the ones I've listened to. Among the ones I have listened to are Parts 7, 8, and 9 (Mindfulness of the Body), Part 10 (The Four Elements), and Parts 20, 21, and 22 (The Five Aggregates).
Links Related to Today's Posting
Hypnobabies
Hypnobaby Birth Stories
BookBox Stories
Ajahn Chah Dharma Talks
Sutta Reading
Joseph Goldstein, The Sattipatthana Sutta Series
In the meantime i have been continuing my practice. I still only practice sitting 15 minutes a day, and only most days a week. My main goal remains to make meditation a habit, and to start again when i slip. I also listen to Dharma talks on a regular basis, have added some new talks to my collection, and have been listening to some old talks by Thich Nhat Hanh i hadn't listened to in a while.
My life as a householder is full. As a householder i spend much time on relationships, domestic stuff, and outside work. I can't say i haven't had time to write, but there is much that has happened on the home front that i feel is worth writing about. Work this summer has been sporadic, and I've had weeks of time off at a time, followed by days or weeks out of town. Currently i am away from home working in the field. This is probably my last long travel session for the near future. Today we are rained out, and since i am in a hotel room and have fewer distractions than i do at home, i decided it was time to organize my thoughts. I'll start with some updates from the home front.
Happenings At Home
Love and Loss My most recent big happening was on the sad side. September 19 Verna, one of my beloved dogs (Zeke is my other), passed away. Early in September she began rejecting some foods, odd behavior since she is a real chow-hound. After a visit to the vet, and some surgery, she was diagnosed with lymphoma, a very aggressive form of cancer that is treatable (with good success rates) in dogs, but can only be treated through chemotherapy. Chemotherapy was not an option for my husband and i (i also suspect that by the time Verna was diagnosed the cancer was in an advanced stage), and over the next few weeks we watched the disease progress. By Friday, September 18 Verna was sick all the time, not eating but still throwing up, and by Saturday she was unable to stand up on her own. We realized it was time to let her go. That evening we buried her near in a tree in a field we used to take her to run. Her death came as a surprise, and offered many opportunities to reflect on love and clinging, suffering and compassion, death, rebirth and the deathless, and how short and precious life is.
And Baby Makes Three In the meantime, we continue to prepare to welcome a new life in January. One of my goals is a natural childbirth (drug-free, though in a hospital). I don't want it to be purely an exercise in endurance, gritting my teeth and relying on willpower. I think of child birth like running a marathon, hiking a steep trail to enjoy the wonders of nature, or the thrill rides at an amusement park, with the adrenaline rush and butterflies that go with them. In other words, i think of it as something that contains moments not traditionally thought of as pleasant, but yet something that many people find enjoyable. I also think of birth as something that requires a combination of preparation and relaxation. To that end i am experimenting with self-hypnosis, through self-study course called Hypnobabies. The course involves a workbook (I read the whole thing even though you are supposed to read a chapter a week for 5 weeks), and listening to a series of CDs to practice the techniques. I'm not quite following the program as directed, but i try to listen to at least one of the two daily tracks 5 or 6 days a week. Lately I've been listening early in the morning, while i am still drifting in and out of sleep. Some of the stuff is kind of corny, but I've heard good things about the program, and so i don't worry so much about the corny stuff and just focus on what does work for me. Hard to say how the program works, but so far there's a lot i do like, even if i think some of it is corny.
Its Never too Late to Learn Something New I've also decided it's time to learn Spanish. This has been on my to-do list for a long time. I'm not pushing myself too hard, especially since I'm really bad with language. I sometimes joke that i have enough trouble with English. Anyway, i found some Spanish children's stories, with translations, that i listen to now and then. Some i have in English and Spanish, some just in Spanish. I am finding that i am getting better at picking out familiar words, and figuring out the meaning for some of the words, although this is happening quite slowly. I'm not really sure how much i am learning, but I'm having fun, so it's an easy habit to keep up.
Updates on the Practice
Metta and Fishing I used to practice Metta meditation a lot, but since that camping trip my Metta practice tapered off. While we were camping we went fishing. I'm an omnivore. I eat an occasional vegetarian meal, but i also enjoy eating meat and fish. As a person who eats meat, the do not kill precept is something i have struggled with before. I don't entirely understand why it is there, especially since Buddhism is so accepting of death as a part of life. And yet, i have a hard time killing. I can kill mosquitoes and other biting and stinging bugs pretty easily, but i also save pillbugs, worms, and millipedes on the bike trail Zeke and i walk. So on this camping trip Barrett and i go fishing, and i feel bad just putting the worm on the hook. Then i catch a fish, and feel guilty for reeling him in. I would try to kill the fish myself, but the last time i did i couldn't hit the fish hard enough, and felt bad for torturing the fish, and i can barely watch as my jusband kills and guts the fish. But i do enjoy cooking and eating the fish. The whole episode got me thinking about life and death, and how we kill every time we eat, even if we're eating plants, so why is vegetarianism encouraged. But i also see that eating vegetarian is better for the environment, and compassion for all living beings is natural, too. There were too many thoughts for me to process, and i never could sort them all out, so i decided to leave the issues be and focus on listening to more of the teachings, until i reach a point where i am comfortable coming back to the issues.
Ajahn Chah While i have a good collection of Dharma talks on my mp3 player, and i like listening to talks repeatedly, i felt it was time to expand my collection. So i spent some time searching for new talks, and listening to talks to find ones i liked enough to listen to again and again. One thing i wanted to add was some talks by non-western teachers. It was a challenge to find good talks by non-western teachers, but i found a nice set of talks given by Ajahn Chah. These talks are translated, first Ajahn Chah speaks, then the translator interprets for us. I like this format, but i like listening to foreign languages in general. I've only listened to some of these, and only a few times, so i don't have much to say about them, but i did like what i heard enough to add the collection to my library.
Sutta Reading I also wanted to look for teachings directly from the Buddha, not just commentary, and there is a small collection of sutta readings on the web. I added a few of these to my library. I like listening to the suttas better than reading them, and that may make sense since these were originally passed down orally. These are also fairly short, so its easy to make time to listen to them. Among my favorites are, The Heartwood of the Spiritual Life, The Simsapa Grove, At Sedaka (The Acrobat), and The Adze Handle.
The Satipatthana Sutta Series And I also added some new (to me at least) talks from a teacher i already listen to, Joseph Goldstein. These are all part of a series on the Satipatthana Sutta. Actually, i mentioned this series in my last post. Anyway, the series is rather long since it was recorded over a time span of years, but since the Satipatthana Sutta is a classic, and since it is still a little hard for me to grasp, I decided to go ahead and give these talks a try. I haven't listened to them all, but i do like the ones I've listened to. Among the ones I have listened to are Parts 7, 8, and 9 (Mindfulness of the Body), Part 10 (The Four Elements), and Parts 20, 21, and 22 (The Five Aggregates).
Links Related to Today's Posting
Hypnobabies
Hypnobaby Birth Stories
BookBox Stories
Ajahn Chah Dharma Talks
Sutta Reading
Joseph Goldstein, The Sattipatthana Sutta Series
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