Saturday, June 26, 2010
Busy Times
It has been a long time since my last post, and much has happened, but i haven't been in much mood to write. On January 15 i had a son. His name is Phil, and he is now 5 months old. I am working again, but not for SWCA. I couldn't handle traveling away now that Phil is here, so i work for ACR doing archaeology locally. Phil may not understand the words, but he gets to listen to lots of Dharma talks, and I include him in my practice. He's a pretty easy-going baby. He likes daycare, hanging out at home watching me tidy up, cook and do dishes, and going shopping on the weekends. We went out garage sale-ing today. Now he's taking a nap. Anyway, i did want to share a link. I've been listening to sets of talks from retreats and have found a few i like. I'm only posting this one, though. It is the 2009 Insight and the Art of Equinimity lead by Steve Armstrong and Kamala Masters, with Deborah Ratner Helzer. I like most of all the talks and guided meditations here, and have been listening to them over the past couple of months.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Why not enlightenment?
When i think about the practice, and my practice in particular, the question of enlightenment comes to mind. One fruit of practice is enlightenment, yet i am in no hurry to get there. If i was, the path of renunciation would make much more sense than the life of a householder. One explanation that comes to mind is that i wish to avoid navel-gazing. When one practices for enlightenment the question of whether enlightenment, or perfection, is possible. This is an issues i don't want to spend much time pondering. I leave open that i don't know the answer, that at this stage of practice i might not even recognize perfection if i was looking at it, so who am i to address the issue whether or not perfect enlightenment is possible? Instead, i wish to get to know the world around me, the world of Samsara.
The first noble truth, the truth of dukkha, (the stress, pain or suffering of existance), is to be comprehended. I have heard it said that this means dukkha must be experienced. We don't need to go out in search of dukkha, we don't need to create more suffering to experience it, we just need to be open to what is there. I find the life of a householder makes it possible for me to practice in this way. So i stay engaged in the world, with my family, friends, work, home, possessions, and pets. And i form attachments, the way i got attached to Verna, a dog i recently lost. And i enjoy my attachments. I enjoyed my time with Verna, taking her to classes, teaching her tricks, spoiling her with treats, watching her play with Zeke, snuggling on the sofa, playing Superdog (tossing her onto the bed), and spending time with her.
If i hadn't adopted Verna, i wouldn't have worried about losing her. If i didn't enjoy my time with her, i wouldn't have gotten attached, and wouldn't have experienced sorrow when i lost her. But would that have made me more enlightened? That question makes me think of a talk i listened to by Ajahn Chah, where he was talking about some of the wrong views he held. He said that, early in his practice he thought he needed complete silence to attain enlightenment, so he would put cotton in his ears so he would hear anything. But if it was true that to cut off the sense of sound would lead to enlightenment, then deaf people were enlightened by nature of their being deaf, so it wasn't by cutting of the sense of sound that one becomes enlightened.
Renunciation is tricky. In a Q&A section with Ajahn Chah he says that the path of ordainment is the fastest path to enlightenment because it enables one to devote all of their energy to the practice. He says it is possible for a householder to attain enlightenment, though it is harder and takes longer because their energy is scattered, and beyond that he doesn't say much else. Sometimes we try to renounce, to let go, in order to avoid experiencing dukkha. We think, like Ajahn Chah did with sound, that enlightenment means not to experience dukkha, and so by renouncement we stop experiencing dukkha and become enlightened. But Thich Nhat Hahn says this is not so (in a talk given on 11-26-2006, but the link i used is now broken). He compares this kind of practice to a rabbit hiding in its hole to feel safe, and says if one who is ordained practices in this way the happiness found won't last long. It will last maybe three or four years, then one will become tired of it and want something else, they may be temped to leave the Sangha and the practice entirely. Instead we need to practice more deeply, in a way that we can experience, and transform, the dukkha in our lives.
In my life as a householder my energy is scattered. I need to think about things like where am i going to live, what will i wear, and what will i eat. I spend time looking at houses and apartments and shopping for food and clothes, and in the process i am exposed to sights and sounds that create desire for more possessions. As i acquire things i get bills, and need to find a way to pay for the things i want, so i need to find a job and spend time at work. Throughout all of this i am surrounded by people, some of whom are agreeable, some of whom are not. Sometimes i have to do things, (like cook), when i would rather do something else (like take a nap). These experiences stir up feelings with have the potential to push me around. Somebody says something unkind and i am tempted to brood over it, getting angrier the more i think about it. Having to spend my time working and shopping and cooking and cleaning, and then choosing to spend time with my husband or dogs or just playing or relaxing seems to cut into time for practice. And living with someone leads to compromises. On my own i choose not to watch TV. On his own my husband can (and does) spend hours watching Netflix. When we're together, do i insist he be like me, and give up the Netflix? Do i let him watch all he wants, and spend my time doing other things, apart from him? Do i watch shows with him, so we have some time together? (I do a bit of all three, suggesting we not turn on the TV until later in the day, leaving him be if he wants to watch more than i do, and watching a movie or 2 with him after dinner.) When it comes to formal practice, the time i spend seems short. Most days i spend just 15 minutes sitting, some days i spend only 5 minutes, and some days i don't sit at all. I listen to Dharma talks, sometimes one or two a day, but i don't listen to talks every day at this point. Sometimes i listen to the Suttas, some days i read, but again, my practice is scattered, and consistency isn't my strong suit. So how does the practice benefit me?
Many years ago i had a dog, Zeus. I got him for my birthday, maybe when i was 8 or 9 or maybe even 10. I spent a lot of time with him. I taught him to climb a ladder, so he could play on the playground with me and climb up to the top bunk (I had bunkbeds, and i slept on the top bunk). I'd get him to climb a ladder and sit on the roof of the house. When i went to college i left him with my parents, but I'd bring him to visit for weeks and as soon as i graduated i found a pet-friendly apartment and took him back. Six months after i graduated Zeus got very sick. He had kidney problems, and his kidneys were failing. For what felt like weeks i was a wreck. He could barely stand up, and I'd go to work, and worry that I'd come home to a dead dog. I didn't know what to do. Finally, i got to a point where i realized there was nothing i could do, and that he was just lingering, and my parents came with me when we took him to the vet to let him go. I don't remember how long he lingered for, and sometimes i am left wondering if i waited too long to let him go.
From the outside, my experience with Verna may look similar. After her surgery, when we began to realize how serious her condition was, there was a lot of sadness. I couldn't talk much about her. We tried what we could to help her get better, even though we knew she didn't have much time. We waited until she couldn't walk and had been sick constantly for a whole day before we finally let her go. But there were differences. I was sad, but i wasn't a wreck. I couldn't talk about her condition, but i could function at work. I took her out, while she could enjoy it still, and said she was in the "make a wish foundation for doggies." (Sometimes i make up elaborate stories in my head. I try to keep a sense of humor about this trait.) I sat vigil with her, listening to talks or reading while in the same room with her and just letting her rest. The sadness was different. There wasn't the same sense of hopelessness or being lost. There was a confidence. I knew we wouldn't be ready to let her go until she couldn't walk, and that when the time was right we would know it. And even on that last day, she still responded to our concern. I am not left wondering if we let her go too soon; she was clearly in pain, even though her eyes would brighten when we talked to her. I am not left wondering if we waited too long, for the same reason i know we didn't let her go too soon, because even though she was in pain, she still loved us and still brightened when we talked to her.
That same confidence has crept into other areas of my life. I can be a chronic worrier. I sometimes joke that if i have nothing to worry about, i worry that i am not worrying enough. There are still aspects of my life i worry about, often regarding social situations or particulars activities. But on the whole i don't worry so much about the path my life is following. I might worry more that this is simply arrogance, but there are other benefits i feel. In particular, i don't feel so pushed around by my emotions, especially anger. I find i am less likely to say things i regret later. This aspect of the practice reminds of the acrobat simile, which is one of my original inspirations to practice. I find that practicing mindfulness in general, as well as mindfulness of the breath, helps me to calm down and slow down, so that i have time to think about the implications of my actions. Sometimes i still choose the wrong action, but having the chance to pause first means that i don't feel pushed into it, and can watch the effect and feel the effect more fully than when i would act without pausing first. Compared to enlightenment the fruits of greater confidence and not feeling pushed by emotions that i have gained from my practice may seem small. Still, it is enough to keep me inspired to continue practicing.
The first noble truth, the truth of dukkha, (the stress, pain or suffering of existance), is to be comprehended. I have heard it said that this means dukkha must be experienced. We don't need to go out in search of dukkha, we don't need to create more suffering to experience it, we just need to be open to what is there. I find the life of a householder makes it possible for me to practice in this way. So i stay engaged in the world, with my family, friends, work, home, possessions, and pets. And i form attachments, the way i got attached to Verna, a dog i recently lost. And i enjoy my attachments. I enjoyed my time with Verna, taking her to classes, teaching her tricks, spoiling her with treats, watching her play with Zeke, snuggling on the sofa, playing Superdog (tossing her onto the bed), and spending time with her.
If i hadn't adopted Verna, i wouldn't have worried about losing her. If i didn't enjoy my time with her, i wouldn't have gotten attached, and wouldn't have experienced sorrow when i lost her. But would that have made me more enlightened? That question makes me think of a talk i listened to by Ajahn Chah, where he was talking about some of the wrong views he held. He said that, early in his practice he thought he needed complete silence to attain enlightenment, so he would put cotton in his ears so he would hear anything. But if it was true that to cut off the sense of sound would lead to enlightenment, then deaf people were enlightened by nature of their being deaf, so it wasn't by cutting of the sense of sound that one becomes enlightened.
Renunciation is tricky. In a Q&A section with Ajahn Chah he says that the path of ordainment is the fastest path to enlightenment because it enables one to devote all of their energy to the practice. He says it is possible for a householder to attain enlightenment, though it is harder and takes longer because their energy is scattered, and beyond that he doesn't say much else. Sometimes we try to renounce, to let go, in order to avoid experiencing dukkha. We think, like Ajahn Chah did with sound, that enlightenment means not to experience dukkha, and so by renouncement we stop experiencing dukkha and become enlightened. But Thich Nhat Hahn says this is not so (in a talk given on 11-26-2006, but the link i used is now broken). He compares this kind of practice to a rabbit hiding in its hole to feel safe, and says if one who is ordained practices in this way the happiness found won't last long. It will last maybe three or four years, then one will become tired of it and want something else, they may be temped to leave the Sangha and the practice entirely. Instead we need to practice more deeply, in a way that we can experience, and transform, the dukkha in our lives.
In my life as a householder my energy is scattered. I need to think about things like where am i going to live, what will i wear, and what will i eat. I spend time looking at houses and apartments and shopping for food and clothes, and in the process i am exposed to sights and sounds that create desire for more possessions. As i acquire things i get bills, and need to find a way to pay for the things i want, so i need to find a job and spend time at work. Throughout all of this i am surrounded by people, some of whom are agreeable, some of whom are not. Sometimes i have to do things, (like cook), when i would rather do something else (like take a nap). These experiences stir up feelings with have the potential to push me around. Somebody says something unkind and i am tempted to brood over it, getting angrier the more i think about it. Having to spend my time working and shopping and cooking and cleaning, and then choosing to spend time with my husband or dogs or just playing or relaxing seems to cut into time for practice. And living with someone leads to compromises. On my own i choose not to watch TV. On his own my husband can (and does) spend hours watching Netflix. When we're together, do i insist he be like me, and give up the Netflix? Do i let him watch all he wants, and spend my time doing other things, apart from him? Do i watch shows with him, so we have some time together? (I do a bit of all three, suggesting we not turn on the TV until later in the day, leaving him be if he wants to watch more than i do, and watching a movie or 2 with him after dinner.) When it comes to formal practice, the time i spend seems short. Most days i spend just 15 minutes sitting, some days i spend only 5 minutes, and some days i don't sit at all. I listen to Dharma talks, sometimes one or two a day, but i don't listen to talks every day at this point. Sometimes i listen to the Suttas, some days i read, but again, my practice is scattered, and consistency isn't my strong suit. So how does the practice benefit me?
Many years ago i had a dog, Zeus. I got him for my birthday, maybe when i was 8 or 9 or maybe even 10. I spent a lot of time with him. I taught him to climb a ladder, so he could play on the playground with me and climb up to the top bunk (I had bunkbeds, and i slept on the top bunk). I'd get him to climb a ladder and sit on the roof of the house. When i went to college i left him with my parents, but I'd bring him to visit for weeks and as soon as i graduated i found a pet-friendly apartment and took him back. Six months after i graduated Zeus got very sick. He had kidney problems, and his kidneys were failing. For what felt like weeks i was a wreck. He could barely stand up, and I'd go to work, and worry that I'd come home to a dead dog. I didn't know what to do. Finally, i got to a point where i realized there was nothing i could do, and that he was just lingering, and my parents came with me when we took him to the vet to let him go. I don't remember how long he lingered for, and sometimes i am left wondering if i waited too long to let him go.
From the outside, my experience with Verna may look similar. After her surgery, when we began to realize how serious her condition was, there was a lot of sadness. I couldn't talk much about her. We tried what we could to help her get better, even though we knew she didn't have much time. We waited until she couldn't walk and had been sick constantly for a whole day before we finally let her go. But there were differences. I was sad, but i wasn't a wreck. I couldn't talk about her condition, but i could function at work. I took her out, while she could enjoy it still, and said she was in the "make a wish foundation for doggies." (Sometimes i make up elaborate stories in my head. I try to keep a sense of humor about this trait.) I sat vigil with her, listening to talks or reading while in the same room with her and just letting her rest. The sadness was different. There wasn't the same sense of hopelessness or being lost. There was a confidence. I knew we wouldn't be ready to let her go until she couldn't walk, and that when the time was right we would know it. And even on that last day, she still responded to our concern. I am not left wondering if we let her go too soon; she was clearly in pain, even though her eyes would brighten when we talked to her. I am not left wondering if we waited too long, for the same reason i know we didn't let her go too soon, because even though she was in pain, she still loved us and still brightened when we talked to her.
That same confidence has crept into other areas of my life. I can be a chronic worrier. I sometimes joke that if i have nothing to worry about, i worry that i am not worrying enough. There are still aspects of my life i worry about, often regarding social situations or particulars activities. But on the whole i don't worry so much about the path my life is following. I might worry more that this is simply arrogance, but there are other benefits i feel. In particular, i don't feel so pushed around by my emotions, especially anger. I find i am less likely to say things i regret later. This aspect of the practice reminds of the acrobat simile, which is one of my original inspirations to practice. I find that practicing mindfulness in general, as well as mindfulness of the breath, helps me to calm down and slow down, so that i have time to think about the implications of my actions. Sometimes i still choose the wrong action, but having the chance to pause first means that i don't feel pushed into it, and can watch the effect and feel the effect more fully than when i would act without pausing first. Compared to enlightenment the fruits of greater confidence and not feeling pushed by emotions that i have gained from my practice may seem small. Still, it is enough to keep me inspired to continue practicing.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Mixed Bag
A lot has happened since my last posting. When I left off it was still summer, and sometime after my last posting, around July, Barrett and i went camping. Since that trip i have thought about writing an post called "Metta and Fishing Don't Mix," but i haven't been able to get my thoughts in writing. It's around then that i stalled on posting anything to my blog.
In the meantime i have been continuing my practice. I still only practice sitting 15 minutes a day, and only most days a week. My main goal remains to make meditation a habit, and to start again when i slip. I also listen to Dharma talks on a regular basis, have added some new talks to my collection, and have been listening to some old talks by Thich Nhat Hanh i hadn't listened to in a while.
My life as a householder is full. As a householder i spend much time on relationships, domestic stuff, and outside work. I can't say i haven't had time to write, but there is much that has happened on the home front that i feel is worth writing about. Work this summer has been sporadic, and I've had weeks of time off at a time, followed by days or weeks out of town. Currently i am away from home working in the field. This is probably my last long travel session for the near future. Today we are rained out, and since i am in a hotel room and have fewer distractions than i do at home, i decided it was time to organize my thoughts. I'll start with some updates from the home front.
Happenings At Home
Love and Loss My most recent big happening was on the sad side. September 19 Verna, one of my beloved dogs (Zeke is my other), passed away. Early in September she began rejecting some foods, odd behavior since she is a real chow-hound. After a visit to the vet, and some surgery, she was diagnosed with lymphoma, a very aggressive form of cancer that is treatable (with good success rates) in dogs, but can only be treated through chemotherapy. Chemotherapy was not an option for my husband and i (i also suspect that by the time Verna was diagnosed the cancer was in an advanced stage), and over the next few weeks we watched the disease progress. By Friday, September 18 Verna was sick all the time, not eating but still throwing up, and by Saturday she was unable to stand up on her own. We realized it was time to let her go. That evening we buried her near in a tree in a field we used to take her to run. Her death came as a surprise, and offered many opportunities to reflect on love and clinging, suffering and compassion, death, rebirth and the deathless, and how short and precious life is.
And Baby Makes Three In the meantime, we continue to prepare to welcome a new life in January. One of my goals is a natural childbirth (drug-free, though in a hospital). I don't want it to be purely an exercise in endurance, gritting my teeth and relying on willpower. I think of child birth like running a marathon, hiking a steep trail to enjoy the wonders of nature, or the thrill rides at an amusement park, with the adrenaline rush and butterflies that go with them. In other words, i think of it as something that contains moments not traditionally thought of as pleasant, but yet something that many people find enjoyable. I also think of birth as something that requires a combination of preparation and relaxation. To that end i am experimenting with self-hypnosis, through self-study course called Hypnobabies. The course involves a workbook (I read the whole thing even though you are supposed to read a chapter a week for 5 weeks), and listening to a series of CDs to practice the techniques. I'm not quite following the program as directed, but i try to listen to at least one of the two daily tracks 5 or 6 days a week. Lately I've been listening early in the morning, while i am still drifting in and out of sleep. Some of the stuff is kind of corny, but I've heard good things about the program, and so i don't worry so much about the corny stuff and just focus on what does work for me. Hard to say how the program works, but so far there's a lot i do like, even if i think some of it is corny.
Its Never too Late to Learn Something New I've also decided it's time to learn Spanish. This has been on my to-do list for a long time. I'm not pushing myself too hard, especially since I'm really bad with language. I sometimes joke that i have enough trouble with English. Anyway, i found some Spanish children's stories, with translations, that i listen to now and then. Some i have in English and Spanish, some just in Spanish. I am finding that i am getting better at picking out familiar words, and figuring out the meaning for some of the words, although this is happening quite slowly. I'm not really sure how much i am learning, but I'm having fun, so it's an easy habit to keep up.
Updates on the Practice
Metta and Fishing I used to practice Metta meditation a lot, but since that camping trip my Metta practice tapered off. While we were camping we went fishing. I'm an omnivore. I eat an occasional vegetarian meal, but i also enjoy eating meat and fish. As a person who eats meat, the do not kill precept is something i have struggled with before. I don't entirely understand why it is there, especially since Buddhism is so accepting of death as a part of life. And yet, i have a hard time killing. I can kill mosquitoes and other biting and stinging bugs pretty easily, but i also save pillbugs, worms, and millipedes on the bike trail Zeke and i walk. So on this camping trip Barrett and i go fishing, and i feel bad just putting the worm on the hook. Then i catch a fish, and feel guilty for reeling him in. I would try to kill the fish myself, but the last time i did i couldn't hit the fish hard enough, and felt bad for torturing the fish, and i can barely watch as my jusband kills and guts the fish. But i do enjoy cooking and eating the fish. The whole episode got me thinking about life and death, and how we kill every time we eat, even if we're eating plants, so why is vegetarianism encouraged. But i also see that eating vegetarian is better for the environment, and compassion for all living beings is natural, too. There were too many thoughts for me to process, and i never could sort them all out, so i decided to leave the issues be and focus on listening to more of the teachings, until i reach a point where i am comfortable coming back to the issues.
Ajahn Chah While i have a good collection of Dharma talks on my mp3 player, and i like listening to talks repeatedly, i felt it was time to expand my collection. So i spent some time searching for new talks, and listening to talks to find ones i liked enough to listen to again and again. One thing i wanted to add was some talks by non-western teachers. It was a challenge to find good talks by non-western teachers, but i found a nice set of talks given by Ajahn Chah. These talks are translated, first Ajahn Chah speaks, then the translator interprets for us. I like this format, but i like listening to foreign languages in general. I've only listened to some of these, and only a few times, so i don't have much to say about them, but i did like what i heard enough to add the collection to my library.
Sutta Reading I also wanted to look for teachings directly from the Buddha, not just commentary, and there is a small collection of sutta readings on the web. I added a few of these to my library. I like listening to the suttas better than reading them, and that may make sense since these were originally passed down orally. These are also fairly short, so its easy to make time to listen to them. Among my favorites are, The Heartwood of the Spiritual Life, The Simsapa Grove, At Sedaka (The Acrobat), and The Adze Handle.
The Satipatthana Sutta Series And I also added some new (to me at least) talks from a teacher i already listen to, Joseph Goldstein. These are all part of a series on the Satipatthana Sutta. Actually, i mentioned this series in my last post. Anyway, the series is rather long since it was recorded over a time span of years, but since the Satipatthana Sutta is a classic, and since it is still a little hard for me to grasp, I decided to go ahead and give these talks a try. I haven't listened to them all, but i do like the ones I've listened to. Among the ones I have listened to are Parts 7, 8, and 9 (Mindfulness of the Body), Part 10 (The Four Elements), and Parts 20, 21, and 22 (The Five Aggregates).
Links Related to Today's Posting
Hypnobabies
Hypnobaby Birth Stories
BookBox Stories
Ajahn Chah Dharma Talks
Sutta Reading
Joseph Goldstein, The Sattipatthana Sutta Series
In the meantime i have been continuing my practice. I still only practice sitting 15 minutes a day, and only most days a week. My main goal remains to make meditation a habit, and to start again when i slip. I also listen to Dharma talks on a regular basis, have added some new talks to my collection, and have been listening to some old talks by Thich Nhat Hanh i hadn't listened to in a while.
My life as a householder is full. As a householder i spend much time on relationships, domestic stuff, and outside work. I can't say i haven't had time to write, but there is much that has happened on the home front that i feel is worth writing about. Work this summer has been sporadic, and I've had weeks of time off at a time, followed by days or weeks out of town. Currently i am away from home working in the field. This is probably my last long travel session for the near future. Today we are rained out, and since i am in a hotel room and have fewer distractions than i do at home, i decided it was time to organize my thoughts. I'll start with some updates from the home front.
Happenings At Home
Love and Loss My most recent big happening was on the sad side. September 19 Verna, one of my beloved dogs (Zeke is my other), passed away. Early in September she began rejecting some foods, odd behavior since she is a real chow-hound. After a visit to the vet, and some surgery, she was diagnosed with lymphoma, a very aggressive form of cancer that is treatable (with good success rates) in dogs, but can only be treated through chemotherapy. Chemotherapy was not an option for my husband and i (i also suspect that by the time Verna was diagnosed the cancer was in an advanced stage), and over the next few weeks we watched the disease progress. By Friday, September 18 Verna was sick all the time, not eating but still throwing up, and by Saturday she was unable to stand up on her own. We realized it was time to let her go. That evening we buried her near in a tree in a field we used to take her to run. Her death came as a surprise, and offered many opportunities to reflect on love and clinging, suffering and compassion, death, rebirth and the deathless, and how short and precious life is.
And Baby Makes Three In the meantime, we continue to prepare to welcome a new life in January. One of my goals is a natural childbirth (drug-free, though in a hospital). I don't want it to be purely an exercise in endurance, gritting my teeth and relying on willpower. I think of child birth like running a marathon, hiking a steep trail to enjoy the wonders of nature, or the thrill rides at an amusement park, with the adrenaline rush and butterflies that go with them. In other words, i think of it as something that contains moments not traditionally thought of as pleasant, but yet something that many people find enjoyable. I also think of birth as something that requires a combination of preparation and relaxation. To that end i am experimenting with self-hypnosis, through self-study course called Hypnobabies. The course involves a workbook (I read the whole thing even though you are supposed to read a chapter a week for 5 weeks), and listening to a series of CDs to practice the techniques. I'm not quite following the program as directed, but i try to listen to at least one of the two daily tracks 5 or 6 days a week. Lately I've been listening early in the morning, while i am still drifting in and out of sleep. Some of the stuff is kind of corny, but I've heard good things about the program, and so i don't worry so much about the corny stuff and just focus on what does work for me. Hard to say how the program works, but so far there's a lot i do like, even if i think some of it is corny.
Its Never too Late to Learn Something New I've also decided it's time to learn Spanish. This has been on my to-do list for a long time. I'm not pushing myself too hard, especially since I'm really bad with language. I sometimes joke that i have enough trouble with English. Anyway, i found some Spanish children's stories, with translations, that i listen to now and then. Some i have in English and Spanish, some just in Spanish. I am finding that i am getting better at picking out familiar words, and figuring out the meaning for some of the words, although this is happening quite slowly. I'm not really sure how much i am learning, but I'm having fun, so it's an easy habit to keep up.
Updates on the Practice
Metta and Fishing I used to practice Metta meditation a lot, but since that camping trip my Metta practice tapered off. While we were camping we went fishing. I'm an omnivore. I eat an occasional vegetarian meal, but i also enjoy eating meat and fish. As a person who eats meat, the do not kill precept is something i have struggled with before. I don't entirely understand why it is there, especially since Buddhism is so accepting of death as a part of life. And yet, i have a hard time killing. I can kill mosquitoes and other biting and stinging bugs pretty easily, but i also save pillbugs, worms, and millipedes on the bike trail Zeke and i walk. So on this camping trip Barrett and i go fishing, and i feel bad just putting the worm on the hook. Then i catch a fish, and feel guilty for reeling him in. I would try to kill the fish myself, but the last time i did i couldn't hit the fish hard enough, and felt bad for torturing the fish, and i can barely watch as my jusband kills and guts the fish. But i do enjoy cooking and eating the fish. The whole episode got me thinking about life and death, and how we kill every time we eat, even if we're eating plants, so why is vegetarianism encouraged. But i also see that eating vegetarian is better for the environment, and compassion for all living beings is natural, too. There were too many thoughts for me to process, and i never could sort them all out, so i decided to leave the issues be and focus on listening to more of the teachings, until i reach a point where i am comfortable coming back to the issues.
Ajahn Chah While i have a good collection of Dharma talks on my mp3 player, and i like listening to talks repeatedly, i felt it was time to expand my collection. So i spent some time searching for new talks, and listening to talks to find ones i liked enough to listen to again and again. One thing i wanted to add was some talks by non-western teachers. It was a challenge to find good talks by non-western teachers, but i found a nice set of talks given by Ajahn Chah. These talks are translated, first Ajahn Chah speaks, then the translator interprets for us. I like this format, but i like listening to foreign languages in general. I've only listened to some of these, and only a few times, so i don't have much to say about them, but i did like what i heard enough to add the collection to my library.
Sutta Reading I also wanted to look for teachings directly from the Buddha, not just commentary, and there is a small collection of sutta readings on the web. I added a few of these to my library. I like listening to the suttas better than reading them, and that may make sense since these were originally passed down orally. These are also fairly short, so its easy to make time to listen to them. Among my favorites are, The Heartwood of the Spiritual Life, The Simsapa Grove, At Sedaka (The Acrobat), and The Adze Handle.
The Satipatthana Sutta Series And I also added some new (to me at least) talks from a teacher i already listen to, Joseph Goldstein. These are all part of a series on the Satipatthana Sutta. Actually, i mentioned this series in my last post. Anyway, the series is rather long since it was recorded over a time span of years, but since the Satipatthana Sutta is a classic, and since it is still a little hard for me to grasp, I decided to go ahead and give these talks a try. I haven't listened to them all, but i do like the ones I've listened to. Among the ones I have listened to are Parts 7, 8, and 9 (Mindfulness of the Body), Part 10 (The Four Elements), and Parts 20, 21, and 22 (The Five Aggregates).
Links Related to Today's Posting
Hypnobabies
Hypnobaby Birth Stories
BookBox Stories
Ajahn Chah Dharma Talks
Sutta Reading
Joseph Goldstein, The Sattipatthana Sutta Series
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Back into Practice
Life happens. For a while I have been overwhelmed by the business of daily life. Things have slowed down over the past week, and I have begun practicing regularly over the past few days, but finding time to write takes me a little while longer.
The first thing I'd like to announce is, I'm pregnant. The nausea and fatigue that come with early pregnancy hindered me more than I expected. For a short while I worked long days, and during that stretch I worked, slept, and ate as much as my stomach let me (which wasn't as much as I would have liked). At that point I got out of the habit of morning meditation, though I still listened to my favorite Dharma talks. By the time I got home (work sometimes means travel and living in a hotel room for days or weeks) my parents were in town for a visit (from across the country), with my niece and nephew. It was a busy week, I spent most of my time with my parents, even spending the nights at the camper with the family. It was fun, but tiring. They left a couple of weeks ago, around July 7, but it took me a week to remember to make time to meditate. Work is feast of famine, so for the past couple of weeks I've had a lot of free time. I've been using that time to catch up on housework, get in some exercise, and start clearing out clutter and rearranging furniture. I've also been using that time to listen to more talks.
Lately I've been taking in the Satipatthana Sutta Series by Joseph Goldstein. It's a long series, with 44 talks given over a period of five years. I figure that many people in the audience may have heard only the talks from the retreat they attended, so it isn't necessary to go strictly in order, though I try not to jump around too much. I haven't really found the answers I'm looking for in the talks, but that's because often what I want to know is "how do I get enlightened faster" and "how do I stop difficult emotions from arising." Having my parents visit for a week brought up old issues, most of which are still unresolved, and I find myself reacting in ways that aren't wise. Then I feel critical of myself and my own actions/reactions, while at the same time I feel like I'm not wrong, but I still feel like someone is at fault. The coming arrival of a new little one adds a layer of complexity to the mix, as I compare my goals as a future parent with my parents history. Still, there are no easy answers. The main thing I get from the Satipatthana series is to come back to mindfulness of the body as a place to strengthen my mindfulness, and trust in the process. I'm also trying journaling as an awareness practice. I'm not writing a narrative so much as making a list of things about myself -- what I think, what I do, how I feel -- as a way of seeing what my habits are and how I contribute to events, for better or for worse.
Overall I'm excited about the coming arrival of the little one, early in January. The quiet, contemplative life was never something I pictured for myself. I like being a householder and practicing as a lay practitioner. I like the give and take of relationships and feel I learn a lot from others, though sometimes I get overwhelmed. I enjoy spending time with my niece and nephew (she's 5, he's 2), and believe I can learn a lot from children, while they also learn from me. Over time I hope to strengthen my mindfulness so that I can be a more mindful parent, but for the moment I like to think I'm practicing meditation for two, meaning that I like to believe meditation benefits the little one, too.
The first thing I'd like to announce is, I'm pregnant. The nausea and fatigue that come with early pregnancy hindered me more than I expected. For a short while I worked long days, and during that stretch I worked, slept, and ate as much as my stomach let me (which wasn't as much as I would have liked). At that point I got out of the habit of morning meditation, though I still listened to my favorite Dharma talks. By the time I got home (work sometimes means travel and living in a hotel room for days or weeks) my parents were in town for a visit (from across the country), with my niece and nephew. It was a busy week, I spent most of my time with my parents, even spending the nights at the camper with the family. It was fun, but tiring. They left a couple of weeks ago, around July 7, but it took me a week to remember to make time to meditate. Work is feast of famine, so for the past couple of weeks I've had a lot of free time. I've been using that time to catch up on housework, get in some exercise, and start clearing out clutter and rearranging furniture. I've also been using that time to listen to more talks.
Lately I've been taking in the Satipatthana Sutta Series by Joseph Goldstein. It's a long series, with 44 talks given over a period of five years. I figure that many people in the audience may have heard only the talks from the retreat they attended, so it isn't necessary to go strictly in order, though I try not to jump around too much. I haven't really found the answers I'm looking for in the talks, but that's because often what I want to know is "how do I get enlightened faster" and "how do I stop difficult emotions from arising." Having my parents visit for a week brought up old issues, most of which are still unresolved, and I find myself reacting in ways that aren't wise. Then I feel critical of myself and my own actions/reactions, while at the same time I feel like I'm not wrong, but I still feel like someone is at fault. The coming arrival of a new little one adds a layer of complexity to the mix, as I compare my goals as a future parent with my parents history. Still, there are no easy answers. The main thing I get from the Satipatthana series is to come back to mindfulness of the body as a place to strengthen my mindfulness, and trust in the process. I'm also trying journaling as an awareness practice. I'm not writing a narrative so much as making a list of things about myself -- what I think, what I do, how I feel -- as a way of seeing what my habits are and how I contribute to events, for better or for worse.
Overall I'm excited about the coming arrival of the little one, early in January. The quiet, contemplative life was never something I pictured for myself. I like being a householder and practicing as a lay practitioner. I like the give and take of relationships and feel I learn a lot from others, though sometimes I get overwhelmed. I enjoy spending time with my niece and nephew (she's 5, he's 2), and believe I can learn a lot from children, while they also learn from me. Over time I hope to strengthen my mindfulness so that I can be a more mindful parent, but for the moment I like to think I'm practicing meditation for two, meaning that I like to believe meditation benefits the little one, too.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Thoughts and mindfulness
The mind is a powerful thing, and this is not always to our advantage. The Buddha compared taming the mind to taming a wild animal, and for those who spend time learning to tame their minds, this makes sense. For myself, i have found a number of habits I've developed that i have a hard time changing. Habit may not be the best word. For example, in conversations and in writing I've been known to get talkative, to say lots, and to seem very comfortable. But then, after some time, i have tendency to replay the conversation, or rewrite whatever i wrote, over and over and over, in a somewhat compulsive way. And the more i rehash, the less comfortable i get. I start to feel like a fake. I regret whatever it was i said or wrote, and i start to withdraw. Often i won't reread stuff i wrote, i avoid being around people i talked to, and sometimes i stop checking my email. Its not rational, and logic hasn't solved the issue. I can tell myself not to worry what people think, i can give myself reasons not to worry, but the anxiety doesn't go away. Does this have anything to do with my practice? I don't know. I didn't start meditating to fix my anxiety issues. However, mindfulness practice helps me become more aware of my tendency to replay past events, and to focus on not getting caught in rehashing the past. Of course, i still get caught and sometimes i don't realize until later what happened. There's a reason its called practice, though i like to think I'm improving.
In the meantime i am continuing my morning meditation. I can't claim to be consistent. Typically i practice 4-5 days a week, not necessarily the same days each week, and time is anywhere from 5:30 - 10 am depending on what time i get up, if i start reading something first, if i decide to eat or brush my hair first, etc. But just remembering to sit quietly for a few minutes more days than not is progress for me. Anyway, I'm taking my own advice and practicing with the metta phrases without any prompts. Its interesting the thoughts practicing metta brings. When i practice metta for myself i feel selfish, i think i need to open up more and practice for others. Then i start thinking i need to do more for others, volunteer my time, be more generous. I start to think i don't do enough, that i'm too stingy, and that i already have too much stuff and want too many things. Then i catch myself and think that i'm judging myself too harshly again. But i don't really buy that, because i'm still caught in thinking all of the judgements are true, and that believing anything else is just an excuse not to change.
I like the metta meditation for a variety of reasons. One is that chain of thoughts i just wrote out. The phrases bring up these thoughts, which i think is actually beneficial. Another is that the phrases, the use of words, focuses my mind better than just the breath does. And a third reason is that on occasion the phrases work. There's a feeling that accompanies them, something that can't be described in words all that well, even if it just lasts for an instant. I've also found compassion meditation works to evoke this feeling. If i lose focus, if i just say the phrases mechanically, then nothing really happens, but i find it is possible to use the phrases to bring out the feeling to match the words. I've heard the metta practice can be very transformative, but at this point i still take that on faith. I figure the only way to find out is to try the practice for myself, which is what I'm doing.
In the meantime i am continuing my morning meditation. I can't claim to be consistent. Typically i practice 4-5 days a week, not necessarily the same days each week, and time is anywhere from 5:30 - 10 am depending on what time i get up, if i start reading something first, if i decide to eat or brush my hair first, etc. But just remembering to sit quietly for a few minutes more days than not is progress for me. Anyway, I'm taking my own advice and practicing with the metta phrases without any prompts. Its interesting the thoughts practicing metta brings. When i practice metta for myself i feel selfish, i think i need to open up more and practice for others. Then i start thinking i need to do more for others, volunteer my time, be more generous. I start to think i don't do enough, that i'm too stingy, and that i already have too much stuff and want too many things. Then i catch myself and think that i'm judging myself too harshly again. But i don't really buy that, because i'm still caught in thinking all of the judgements are true, and that believing anything else is just an excuse not to change.
I like the metta meditation for a variety of reasons. One is that chain of thoughts i just wrote out. The phrases bring up these thoughts, which i think is actually beneficial. Another is that the phrases, the use of words, focuses my mind better than just the breath does. And a third reason is that on occasion the phrases work. There's a feeling that accompanies them, something that can't be described in words all that well, even if it just lasts for an instant. I've also found compassion meditation works to evoke this feeling. If i lose focus, if i just say the phrases mechanically, then nothing really happens, but i find it is possible to use the phrases to bring out the feeling to match the words. I've heard the metta practice can be very transformative, but at this point i still take that on faith. I figure the only way to find out is to try the practice for myself, which is what I'm doing.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Regular Practice, Irregular Writing and Metta Meditations
I guess when i started this blog i thought i would post a bit more regularly. It turns out that probably won't be the case. I like keeping my life both full and making time to slow down, so while i make mindfulness practice and Dharma talks a regular part of my routine, writing about my practices sometimes falls by the wayside.
Lately I've been trying to make sitting meditation more a part of my daily practice, by practicing sitting quietly for a short time (15 minutes) in the morning. I tend not to do anything on a regular scheduled basis (the time I show up for work varies, the times I eat, go to sleep, etc. all vary), and some days i wake up and have time to spare in the morning, other days i wake up and have just enough time to get ready at a relaxed pace, but no additional time to spare. So it takes effort for me to consistently get up early enough to have that extra time to sit. I'm keeping the sitting time short to make it easy to do regularly, and hope to lengthen the time as my practice strengthens.
In making time to sit quietly i find i have been practicing metta meditation less. I don't really have any good reason for this. Usually i practice metta using guided meditations, but i could practice metta just as well using my quiet sitting time. It's just that i like my guided metta meditations, and they're too long for my new morning routine. When i started practicing metta meditation it was sporadic, whenever i found a half hour to 45 minutes to sit. So I'm trying an experiment. I clipped a longer metta meditation to make two short 15 minute versions (one has more quiet time than the other). I'm going to try using the meditations some days, and just sitting quietly on others.
Metta meditation works well for me. I get sucked into thoughts easily, so having phrases to focus on focuses my mind a little better than breath meditation does. I can also be very judgmental, and metta seems to help counteract that. I also like guided meditations since i lack a live teacher or group. I've heard its easier to practice when around others who are also practicing, and the recordings seem to provide a similar experience.
At first the idea of the metta phrases (May all beings live in safety, May all beings be happy, May all beings be healthy, etc.) sounded really corny, but after listening to some teachers explain the concept i warmed up to the practice. Below are some talks and metta, and some guided meditations i use.
Ajahn Vayama
Guided Metta and Q & A This is the meditation i used to make the short versions. I've made 15, 20, 30, & 45 minute meditations based on this track.
Narayan Liebenson Grady
Guided Metta I This meditation focuses on metta for oneself. I like the explanation of how & why to practice metta.
Guided Metta II This meditation focuses on self and benefactor.
Guided Metta III This meditation brings in the friend and neutral person. I like the intro for the neutral person.
Guided Metta IV This meditation brings in the difficult person and metta for all beings.
Guided Metta V Expands on Guided Metta IV.
Guy Armstrong
Metta Near and Far Enemies
Metta and Concentration
These are two Dharma talks I like that discuss aspects of the practice of metta meditation.
Lately I've been trying to make sitting meditation more a part of my daily practice, by practicing sitting quietly for a short time (15 minutes) in the morning. I tend not to do anything on a regular scheduled basis (the time I show up for work varies, the times I eat, go to sleep, etc. all vary), and some days i wake up and have time to spare in the morning, other days i wake up and have just enough time to get ready at a relaxed pace, but no additional time to spare. So it takes effort for me to consistently get up early enough to have that extra time to sit. I'm keeping the sitting time short to make it easy to do regularly, and hope to lengthen the time as my practice strengthens.
In making time to sit quietly i find i have been practicing metta meditation less. I don't really have any good reason for this. Usually i practice metta using guided meditations, but i could practice metta just as well using my quiet sitting time. It's just that i like my guided metta meditations, and they're too long for my new morning routine. When i started practicing metta meditation it was sporadic, whenever i found a half hour to 45 minutes to sit. So I'm trying an experiment. I clipped a longer metta meditation to make two short 15 minute versions (one has more quiet time than the other). I'm going to try using the meditations some days, and just sitting quietly on others.
Metta meditation works well for me. I get sucked into thoughts easily, so having phrases to focus on focuses my mind a little better than breath meditation does. I can also be very judgmental, and metta seems to help counteract that. I also like guided meditations since i lack a live teacher or group. I've heard its easier to practice when around others who are also practicing, and the recordings seem to provide a similar experience.
At first the idea of the metta phrases (May all beings live in safety, May all beings be happy, May all beings be healthy, etc.) sounded really corny, but after listening to some teachers explain the concept i warmed up to the practice. Below are some talks and metta, and some guided meditations i use.
Ajahn Vayama
Guided Metta and Q & A This is the meditation i used to make the short versions. I've made 15, 20, 30, & 45 minute meditations based on this track.
Narayan Liebenson Grady
Guided Metta I This meditation focuses on metta for oneself. I like the explanation of how & why to practice metta.
Guided Metta II This meditation focuses on self and benefactor.
Guided Metta III This meditation brings in the friend and neutral person. I like the intro for the neutral person.
Guided Metta IV This meditation brings in the difficult person and metta for all beings.
Guided Metta V Expands on Guided Metta IV.
Guy Armstrong
Metta Near and Far Enemies
Metta and Concentration
These are two Dharma talks I like that discuss aspects of the practice of metta meditation.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Staying Grounded
Its been awhile since i have had much time to collect my thoughts. As the weather gets nice work picks up, and i have been traveling, first to North Dakota, and now to Montana. Work days have been long, 10 or 11 hours, and time for writing and meditation has been short. I have been away from home, living in motel rooms, for days or weeks at a time. When i get home i want to spend time with my husband and dogs, clean the house, do some laundry, eat food cooked on a real stove (not a microwave), and just relax. At times like these, when i feel my energy and/or desire to practice formal meditation wane, i rely on mindfulness practice and the Dharma talks to keep me going.
The first thing i do is not turn on the TV. TV drains my time and energy, and reinforces the three unwholesome roots of greed, aversion, and delusion. The next thing i do is set the alarm clock early. I want to be able to start the day mindfully, and that means i need to be able to take my time. Even if i don't make time to sit formally for meditation practice i like to be able to sit still and just follow my breath, sometimes only for one or two breaths at a time. I like to be able to make breakfast, even if its just microwaving a bowl of oatmeal, and eat mindfully (eating slowly is a challenge for me, it is something i have to concentrate on, and even then eating slowly for me is eating quickly for some). Sometimes i listen to a Dharma talk in the morning. The evening is similar. I like to have time to change out of my field cloths (I work outdoors), lean back quietly, listen to my breath, enjoy the boredom, feel the restlessness, make dinner (lately that means beans and rice), eat, listen to a dharma talk, and get to sleep early.
Feeling the restlessness and enjoying boredom are more important to me than they sound. Often i don't want to sit still, i want to get up, to do something, play a game, watch TV, make a plan, call someone. By not doing these things i have a chance to feel the deeper feelings that drive the restlessness. It gives me a chance to feel the unwholesome roots in myself. That sounds much more negative than it is. For me noticing greed, aversion, and delusion in myself is a gentle practice. I practice metta to accept the parts of myself i don't like, the grasping, pushing away, and tuning out, and in doing so i find myself becoming more tolerant of the parts of other people i don't like. That doesn't mean that i happily get along with everyone i meet (I still struggle with right speech and tend to nit-pick in ways that are not beneficial), but it does mean i don't take my feelings so seriously.
Its not about logic. I don't try to figure out why people do what they do. People do what they do because they want to be happy, yet are often mistaken about what brings happiness and so do the very things that make them suffer. The Buddha taught us that. But knowing that on an intellectual basis brings little comfort. Instead i need to feel that difficulty myself, feel the feelings i don't want to feel, and realize on a deep level that not only do i not want to feel these feelings, but that nobody wants to feel these feelings, and i don't want anybody to feel these feelings. Yet people do experience difficult conditions. Pleasure and pain, praise and blame, gain and loss, and fame and disrepute are a part of life, and we can't limit ourselves to just having the good parts. When i can feel these things on a deep level the compassion grows in a way that is very hard for me to put into words.
Sitting quietly, listening to my breath, practicing metta, letting myself feel both the good and the difficult are important, but the Dharma talks are equally important for me. Life as a lay person means i am subject to worldly conditions and obligations that keep me from having the time to sit until i achieve a breakthrough. Instead i rely on the insight of others and the power of faith. Faith, as i understand it, is a starting point, something that grows as we test it. Much of my previous paragraph comes from what i have heard listening to talks by Guy Armstrong, Jack Kornfield, Narayan Liebenson Grady, Sally Clough Armstrong, and other Dharma teachers. These talks both inspire me to keep going (or begin again, as the case may be) and give me ideas, such as the idea that people want to be happy, to test against my own experience.
By listening to the Dharma talks, and by pausing to listen to my breath and body throughout the day, i can compare what i hear about how things are with what my experience of how things are is. This is key to staying grounded, and helps me to use the busyness of daily life as an opportunity to practice, not an obstacle to practice.
The first thing i do is not turn on the TV. TV drains my time and energy, and reinforces the three unwholesome roots of greed, aversion, and delusion. The next thing i do is set the alarm clock early. I want to be able to start the day mindfully, and that means i need to be able to take my time. Even if i don't make time to sit formally for meditation practice i like to be able to sit still and just follow my breath, sometimes only for one or two breaths at a time. I like to be able to make breakfast, even if its just microwaving a bowl of oatmeal, and eat mindfully (eating slowly is a challenge for me, it is something i have to concentrate on, and even then eating slowly for me is eating quickly for some). Sometimes i listen to a Dharma talk in the morning. The evening is similar. I like to have time to change out of my field cloths (I work outdoors), lean back quietly, listen to my breath, enjoy the boredom, feel the restlessness, make dinner (lately that means beans and rice), eat, listen to a dharma talk, and get to sleep early.
Feeling the restlessness and enjoying boredom are more important to me than they sound. Often i don't want to sit still, i want to get up, to do something, play a game, watch TV, make a plan, call someone. By not doing these things i have a chance to feel the deeper feelings that drive the restlessness. It gives me a chance to feel the unwholesome roots in myself. That sounds much more negative than it is. For me noticing greed, aversion, and delusion in myself is a gentle practice. I practice metta to accept the parts of myself i don't like, the grasping, pushing away, and tuning out, and in doing so i find myself becoming more tolerant of the parts of other people i don't like. That doesn't mean that i happily get along with everyone i meet (I still struggle with right speech and tend to nit-pick in ways that are not beneficial), but it does mean i don't take my feelings so seriously.
Its not about logic. I don't try to figure out why people do what they do. People do what they do because they want to be happy, yet are often mistaken about what brings happiness and so do the very things that make them suffer. The Buddha taught us that. But knowing that on an intellectual basis brings little comfort. Instead i need to feel that difficulty myself, feel the feelings i don't want to feel, and realize on a deep level that not only do i not want to feel these feelings, but that nobody wants to feel these feelings, and i don't want anybody to feel these feelings. Yet people do experience difficult conditions. Pleasure and pain, praise and blame, gain and loss, and fame and disrepute are a part of life, and we can't limit ourselves to just having the good parts. When i can feel these things on a deep level the compassion grows in a way that is very hard for me to put into words.
Sitting quietly, listening to my breath, practicing metta, letting myself feel both the good and the difficult are important, but the Dharma talks are equally important for me. Life as a lay person means i am subject to worldly conditions and obligations that keep me from having the time to sit until i achieve a breakthrough. Instead i rely on the insight of others and the power of faith. Faith, as i understand it, is a starting point, something that grows as we test it. Much of my previous paragraph comes from what i have heard listening to talks by Guy Armstrong, Jack Kornfield, Narayan Liebenson Grady, Sally Clough Armstrong, and other Dharma teachers. These talks both inspire me to keep going (or begin again, as the case may be) and give me ideas, such as the idea that people want to be happy, to test against my own experience.
By listening to the Dharma talks, and by pausing to listen to my breath and body throughout the day, i can compare what i hear about how things are with what my experience of how things are is. This is key to staying grounded, and helps me to use the busyness of daily life as an opportunity to practice, not an obstacle to practice.
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