Back into Practice

Life happens. For a while I have been overwhelmed by the business of daily life. Things have slowed down over the past week, and I have begun practicing regularly over the past few days, but finding time to write takes me a little while longer.

The first thing I'd like to announce is, I'm pregnant. The nausea and fatigue that come with early pregnancy hindered me more than I expected. For a short while I worked long days, and during that stretch I worked, slept, and ate as much as my stomach let me (which wasn't as much as I would have liked). At that point I got out of the habit of morning meditation, though I still listened to my favorite Dharma talks. By the time I got home (work sometimes means travel and living in a hotel room for days or weeks) my parents were in town for a visit (from across the country), with my niece and nephew. It was a busy week, I spent most of my time with my parents, even spending the nights at the camper with the family. It was fun, but tiring. They left a couple of weeks ago, around July 7, but it took me a week to remember to make time to meditate. Work is feast of famine, so for the past couple of weeks I've had a lot of free time. I've been using that time to catch up on housework, get in some exercise, and start clearing out clutter and rearranging furniture. I've also been using that time to listen to more talks.

Lately I've been taking in the Satipatthana Sutta Series by Joseph Goldstein. It's a long series, with 44 talks given over a period of five years. I figure that many people in the audience may have heard only the talks from the retreat they attended, so it isn't necessary to go strictly in order, though I try not to jump around too much. I haven't really found the answers I'm looking for in the talks, but that's because often what I want to know is "how do I get enlightened faster" and "how do I stop difficult emotions from arising." Having my parents visit for a week brought up old issues, most of which are still unresolved, and I find myself reacting in ways that aren't wise. Then I feel critical of myself and my own actions/reactions, while at the same time I feel like I'm not wrong, but I still feel like someone is at fault. The coming arrival of a new little one adds a layer of complexity to the mix, as I compare my goals as a future parent with my parents history. Still, there are no easy answers. The main thing I get from the Satipatthana series is to come back to mindfulness of the body as a place to strengthen my mindfulness, and trust in the process. I'm also trying journaling as an awareness practice. I'm not writing a narrative so much as making a list of things about myself -- what I think, what I do, how I feel -- as a way of seeing what my habits are and how I contribute to events, for better or for worse.

Overall I'm excited about the coming arrival of the little one, early in January. The quiet, contemplative life was never something I pictured for myself. I like being a householder and practicing as a lay practitioner. I like the give and take of relationships and feel I learn a lot from others, though sometimes I get overwhelmed. I enjoy spending time with my niece and nephew (she's 5, he's 2), and believe I can learn a lot from children, while they also learn from me. Over time I hope to strengthen my mindfulness so that I can be a more mindful parent, but for the moment I like to think I'm practicing meditation for two, meaning that I like to believe meditation benefits the little one, too.