Thoughts and mindfulness

The mind is a powerful thing, and this is not always to our advantage. The Buddha compared taming the mind to taming a wild animal, and for those who spend time learning to tame their minds, this makes sense. For myself, i have found a number of habits I've developed that i have a hard time changing. Habit may not be the best word. For example, in conversations and in writing I've been known to get talkative, to say lots, and to seem very comfortable. But then, after some time, i have tendency to replay the conversation, or rewrite whatever i wrote, over and over and over, in a somewhat compulsive way. And the more i rehash, the less comfortable i get. I start to feel like a fake. I regret whatever it was i said or wrote, and i start to withdraw. Often i won't reread stuff i wrote, i avoid being around people i talked to, and sometimes i stop checking my email. Its not rational, and logic hasn't solved the issue. I can tell myself not to worry what people think, i can give myself reasons not to worry, but the anxiety doesn't go away. Does this have anything to do with my practice? I don't know. I didn't start meditating to fix my anxiety issues. However, mindfulness practice helps me become more aware of my tendency to replay past events, and to focus on not getting caught in rehashing the past. Of course, i still get caught and sometimes i don't realize until later what happened. There's a reason its called practice, though i like to think I'm improving.

In the meantime i am continuing my morning meditation. I can't claim to be consistent. Typically i practice 4-5 days a week, not necessarily the same days each week, and time is anywhere from 5:30 - 10 am depending on what time i get up, if i start reading something first, if i decide to eat or brush my hair first, etc. But just remembering to sit quietly for a few minutes more days than not is progress for me. Anyway, I'm taking my own advice and practicing with the metta phrases without any prompts. Its interesting the thoughts practicing metta brings. When i practice metta for myself i feel selfish, i think i need to open up more and practice for others. Then i start thinking i need to do more for others, volunteer my time, be more generous. I start to think i don't do enough, that i'm too stingy, and that i already have too much stuff and want too many things. Then i catch myself and think that i'm judging myself too harshly again. But i don't really buy that, because i'm still caught in thinking all of the judgements are true, and that believing anything else is just an excuse not to change.

I like the metta meditation for a variety of reasons. One is that chain of thoughts i just wrote out. The phrases bring up these thoughts, which i think is actually beneficial. Another is that the phrases, the use of words, focuses my mind better than just the breath does. And a third reason is that on occasion the phrases work. There's a feeling that accompanies them, something that can't be described in words all that well, even if it just lasts for an instant. I've also found compassion meditation works to evoke this feeling. If i lose focus, if i just say the phrases mechanically, then nothing really happens, but i find it is possible to use the phrases to bring out the feeling to match the words. I've heard the metta practice can be very transformative, but at this point i still take that on faith. I figure the only way to find out is to try the practice for myself, which is what I'm doing.